Haunted by Sea Monkeys

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that for a brief period, every other post was about sea monkeys.  My daughter had received them as a gift for Christmas one year, and they skeeved me out to no end.  So, of course, I had to write about them.

(If you’re feeling adventurous, you can read about them here, here, here, here, and here.) 

(See?  I told you it was every other post.  But they really are pretty funny.  Go ahead and read them if you need a good chuckle.)

That was three years ago.

I’m still getting search engine hits for the little sperm-spiders.

And, oh what search engine hits I get.  Here’s a sampling from 2010.

Let’s open up the mailbag and see what 2011 and 2012 brought my way.

What is a real sea monkey?  In comparison to what – one made of plastic?  They are slimy little hairy amoeba bastards who swim in their own poop.

What happens if a sea monkey bites you? First off, if your sea monkeys are actually big enough to have jaws, you don’t have sea monkeys.  You have real monkeys.  Fling your poop at them and run like hell.

Do sea monkeys eat semen?  Are you kidding me, Pervy McPervstein?  Why on earth would you want to know that?

My hamster has big testicles.  Um, I’m sorry?

How do sea monkeys poop?  In very tiny toilets.

How do you spell “slacker”?  Oh my head, if you are that much of a slacker that you need to look up how to spell “slacker”, you need to pay more attention in school.  (For the record, though, it’s D-U-M-B-A-S-S.)

What do sea monkeys look like full grown?  Fortunately, dear reader, I never had the opportunity to find out.  I can only imagine that they look something like Pepe the King Prawn from the Muppets.

Can you add semen to sea monkeys to make them people?  Bwahahahahaha. Oh my God, no.  Just. NO.

Nothing ever goes away on the Internet.

Sea monkeys will haunt me forever.