Dear Alma Mater,
My financial obligation to you ended 20 years ago. I sincerely appreciate the education I received at your fine institution and some of the friends I made while attending have become like family. (Although, if I think about it, some of the classes I took there bordered on the absurd and had absolutely no bearing on the real world. But I digress.)
What I do NOT appreciate are the heavy-handed tactics you’ve begun to employ in pursuit of my money for the Alumni Fund. The phone calls every other evening, usually when I’m trying to put my children to bed; the letters that are permeated with statements designed to make one feel like a total asshole if they don’t contribute; the forms asking me to update my current records so former classmates can find me.
I have not given a dime to the Alumni Fund since I graduated and I don’t plan to start now. The $20 I might be able to send won’t cover the cost of a text book or three days worth of a meal plan. It might cover the parking violation fines the campus police are so eager to dole out every chance they get, though. However, I know that if I even give that much, you will step up your harrassment to squeeze more out of me.
I’m writing to tell you now that you might as well stop wasting your time.
The phone calls? They go unanswered and will continue to do so.
The guilt letters? My kids take great delight in putting those through the shredder.
The update forms? *I* take great delight in putting those through the shredder. The classmates that are like family are the only ones who need to know where I am. I’m quite certain the others don’t give a shit, much less even remember my name.
I’ve not attended one reunion, nor do I plan to. Ever.
Stop wasting time, money, and trees on trying to reach me. The only way you’re going to get any more money out of me is if one of my kids decides to attend. Given the fact that I live in an area with over 100 colleges available within driving distance, I sincerely doubt they’ll be coming to your fine institution.
In other words, leave me the hell alone.
Sincerely,
Mumma Boo
Dear Mumma Boo, It’s a desperate time in higher education and we need your money to offer more absurd courses to the new generation. Surely you want to reconsider sending your lovely children to us? We can do wonders, look what happened to you…. Love and hugs, your alma mater…
Dear Alma Mater,
Flattery will get you nowhere unless accompanied by vast quantities of peanut butter cups.
Love,
Mumma Boo
(You crack me up, Moonspun!)