Then She Burned Her Lunch and Her Head Exploded
I’m pretty sure that’s what the headline will be (get it? headline? head exploded? I’m so effin’ witty) if things don’t lighten up around here damn quick. Yes, my friends, you’re in for a rant in bullet format (probably laced with several expletives), so if you don’t want to read it, click away now. Go on. Click. I won’t be mad. I’m already quite pissy, but I won’t be mad at you. I love you.
Decided to stay? Don’t say I didn’t warn you…:
* I am fucking sick of potty-training. I give up. They make adult-size diapers. Fuck it.
* I am tired of worrying about how much things cost.
* I am tired of explaining to my kids why we can’t do the things other people do because we don’t have the money/time/aren’t stupid enough to be doing them.
* I am tired of listening to certain people cry poverty and then in the next breath, tell me they are going to Europe for a week’s vacation or some other such nonsense.
* I am tired of paying a babysitter so I can volunteer with my daughter’s Brownie troop. Between meetings, trainings, and events with the girls, I’ll be laying out close to $400 this year to volunteer. But I won’t stop volunteering because it’s important to Cheeks and to me.
* I am sick of every organization asking for money. I give what I can, but quit trying to guilt me into giving more. Piss me off and you won’t get anything.
* I am tired of having worse acne now than I did in high school. I hate you perimenopause.
* I am tired of trying to fit in time to exercise and feeling like a loser when I don’t.
* I am tired of feeling like the things I once enjoyed are now just one more chore to check off my list.
* I am sick of the incessant whine of leaf-blowers. Every damn day someone in the neighborhood is out there clearing leaves. They’re leaves, not nuclear waste. If there are a few on your lawn, who the fuck cares? Here’s an idea – pick up a rake!! Because if you don’t, I just might be shoving one up your ass.
* I’m thoroughly disgusted with living next door to the Trashingtons. Could you have any more shit in your yard? How’s about picking up the broken skateboard that’s been lying there for over a year? I know you have to move it to mow the lawn so why not throw it the fuck away?
* I’m tired of doing things with people with whom I’m obligated to be, instead of with people with whom I want to be.
* I’m really tired of changing my schedule to accommodate those obligatory events because of this, that, or the other thing. Piss off.
Gah, I know these are petty, but this is my space and if I want to bitch, I’m going to bitch. (Just try to stop me – I dare ya.) Believe me, I know how blessed I am, and I thank God everyday for those blessings, so don’t think I’m not grateful. I’m just having a really cranky week. And yes, I did burn my lunch. Cenzo is finishing this post for me because I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my head. Bah.
October 23, 2009 at 7:34 pm
So here is what I love about you…that you make your cranky week sound so funny….I can’t wait to see Cenzo in those adult size diapers!
I love you! Ou can be cranky anytime….
October 27, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Thank you! I promise not to be cranky when you come to visit. The merlot will help.
October 23, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Oh, Lovey…do you want me to beat up the Trashingtons?
Or maybe we should both just move to Montana. And raise chickens.
October 27, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Yes, please! The chickens would be better housekeepers than my neighbors.
October 23, 2009 at 8:58 pm
How’d you like it if the Trashington’s were your in-laws? Double the love. I told my husband that his sibling and we should chip in and have one of those giant curbside dumpters dropped off for a week of purging.
I like the leaves, so yeah. Our neighbor next door (in our old house) used to fly out of her house with her ginormous leafblower in a mad rush if just one teensy little crispy leaf wafted down to her pristine drive. Used to drive me nuts. Not anymore. No, now I have the Trashingtons. Who need to be institutionalized and beaten with sticks.
October 27, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Coco, Aunt Becky and I are on our way. With big sticks.
October 24, 2009 at 4:45 am
That’s it, I’m hopping on a plane! I’m coming to train that child
It’ll happen. At some point it’ll happen. But I fully get much it sucks right now.
October 27, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Please? Please? Don’t tease me!!!
October 24, 2009 at 6:17 am
I swear to God. One of these days we’ll all turn on the news and find out about a new serial killer who goes around and kills people who are using leaf blowers. And NO ONE WILL WANT TO STOP HIM.
October 27, 2009 at 6:19 pm
No kidding!
October 24, 2009 at 7:41 am
psst. I still have the bottle. It’s here whenever you need it.
Oh yeah, I have chocolate too
October 27, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I’ll bring the ice cream.
October 24, 2009 at 8:25 am
Oh, honey, I hear ya!!! If I tried to type out a list of what’s pissing me off lately, my fingers would go numb and forever become stuck in the typing claw position they’re in right now.
If you really do give up on the potty training, I bet your little cutie will decide he’s up to the task. Maybe he’s been playing you
October 27, 2009 at 6:21 pm
He plays me every day, the little shit.
October 24, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’ll cut a bitch for you.
October 27, 2009 at 6:21 pm
And that is why I love you. I’ll send you my list.
October 25, 2009 at 4:14 pm
**HUGS**
October 27, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Thank you, sweetie!
October 27, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I’m with ya honey.
October 27, 2009 at 6:23 pm
There’s room for you at the chicken compound in Montana, too!