Resolution Review

Well, we’re nearly 6 weeks into 2010.   Time to check on how well I’m doing with the resolutions for this year.

Number 1:   Stop screaming like a banshee at my children when they are driving me batshit crazy.

Ok, yeah, that’s a lost cause.  I think I’ve screamed more at them in the past 6 weeks than in all of 2009.  *bangs head on desk*    I truly suck as a parent these days.  Yay me.

Number 2:  Eat less chocolate.

Well, I’m eating cookies that are only half-covered in chocolate, and vanilla ice cream with chocolate pieces in it, instead of chocolate-only ice cream, so that counts for something, right?

Number 3:   Write more, both on this blog and elsewhere.

Ha!  I just might laugh myself silly at that one.  Or weep.  I’m lucky if I get a post up here once a week, and I’ve been sorely remiss in reading and commenting on all of your posts.  So, yeah, I suck at this one, too.   Forget trying to write anywhere else.   Unless you count e-mails about Girl Scout cookies.  Which I don’t.   Bah.

Number 4:  Actually read the books on my nightstand.

When I wrote that resolution, there were two books on said nightstand.  Since then,  I’ve read one, started the other and have added 5 more to the pile.  Granted, 3 of them are on writing, and one is a sex ed book geared towards the elementary school set, so reading them is a bit more involved than leafing through a novel, but still.   *sigh*    

And the sex ed book?    Aaaaaaaaacccckkkkkkkk!!!  I am so not ready to have any kind of a talk about sex with Cheeks.    There has to be a book out there that talks about body changes in puberty without talking about sexual intercourse.   Right?  RIGHT?    (Yes, I live in Denial-Land.  Join me.  We’re happy here.)

Number 5:  Continue drinking more wine.

Yup.  Big fat FAIL on this one, too.   Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because hangovers suck worse than I do at keeping resolutions.  

Ah well.    2011 is only 46 weeks away.

Sea Monkeys? What Sea Monkeys? – The Sequel

In celebration of my 200th post,

(yes, this is it!) 

(aren’t you excited?) 

(you know you are) 

(YES. YOU ARE!) 

I present to you Sea Monkeys – The Sequel.  It was mutant sperm  sea monkeys, that first brought many of you to my little corner of the Internet, and it’s hairy amoeba spiders sea monkeys that keeps the Internet search engines so busy directing others here, too.  The poor souls searching for that little nugget of information that will make life with the mutant sperm that much easier.  (Hint:  Flush the suckers.)   Or those seeking the answer to why lettuce makes them gag.  (Hint:  Stop eating lettuce.)     Somehow the rabid hamsters in the search engines send them my way, only for them to find that, Hey! I’m not an expert on sea monkeys! and Hey! I know squat about lettuce!

Well, since I’m all about helping people, (really, I am)  (shut up!),  I thought it’s high time that I rifle through the mailbag and answer some of the Internet’s most pressing questions about mutant sperm sea monkeys.

How big is a sea monkey?    Not very.  Unless you’re asking about their balls.   Which, if you are, ewwwwwwww.    Relative to their overall body size, sea monkey balls are huge.

Viewing sea monkeys up close?  Why on earth would you want to do such a thing?    The closer you get, the creepier they appear.  They will give you nightmares.  Don’t do it.

How to make a sea monkey condo?    Hire a sea monkey condo contractor.  The economy sucks, theirs is a niche market, and I’m sure they could use the work.

Are sea monkeys better than hamsters?  You know, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say yes.  Yes, sea monkeys are better than hamsters.  

Where can I find sea hamsters?   Dude, you are on your own for that one.

Do sea monkeys have feathers?  Only those that work in the stage show, and maybe a few of the retired strippers.

Should I put my sea monkeys in a bigger tank?   If you can’t afford the condo contractor, then, yes, by all means, put them in a bigger tank.   The entertainers and strippers need plenty of closet space for their feathered wardrobes.

Why are the sea monkeys attached to each other?  Oh, gentle reader, how can I put this delicately?   They’re HUMPING!!    Hide the tank behind a large kitchen appliance and you won’t have to witness the horror.

Can I have an allergy to sea monkeys?  Yes.  Yes, you can.  If that’s the excuse you want to give for not having them in your home, I will back you 100%.

What happens to the poop in the sea monkey tank?   What do you think happens?  Unless the condo contractor installed flush toilets, the poop floats to the bottom and stays there.    Don’t believe me?  Then go here.

What should I feed the sea monkeys when the food runs out?  Nothing.   There are enough nutrients in poop to keep them going for a while.  Then, if you’re lucky, they will turn cannibal and you won’t have to worry about them anymore.

Do sea monkeys bite?    Why are you getting close enough to find out?

Can sea monkeys jump out of their tank?  Only if it’s part of the stage show, and then the feathers tend to weigh them down.  So, um,  no, they can’t.

Sea monkeys and cats?    Are you asking if the sea monkeys can have cats?   I’d say no, as cats notoriously detest getting wet.   Maybe you’re asking if the cats will like the sea monkeys.  I’m betting yes.  As an appetizer.

I accidentally dropped some bleach into my sea monkey tank.  What should I do?     Sure it was an accident.  Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me.  *wink*

Do sea monkeys eventually die?  Yes, Virginia, they do.  Especially if you don’t feed them, expose the tank to light, or  *accidentally* drop bleach into the tank.  Not that I would know anything about that.

Double the Fun

As I type this, the breadmaker is busily doing whatever it does to make bread.    Of course, all the recipes call for bread flour, not the 7 pounds of all-purpose flour that is currently taking up space in my cabinet.   Well, screw that.  It’s loaded up with all-purpose flour, and if my lovely little kitchen helper churns out something akin to sandstone, then I will soak said brick replica in eggs and milk and make french toast.   This flour is going down, one way or another.

Now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  (No, really. You have. I know it.)

The winner of the Be My Lyrical Gangstah contest is…..

Well, crap.  How am I supposed to choose between two of my best peeps?  

Answer:  I can’t.

So what’s a Mumma to do?

Answer:  Declare a tie.  

Congratulations, Moonspun and Coco!   Thank you for playing along and providing much needed mirth!    Please e-mail me your addresses and chocolate preferences forthwith!   I’ve got CDs to wrap and a candy mansion to raid.   Thanks!!

Toss It Out There Thursday

Of my two working brain cells, one is battling a sinus infection while trying to come up with something coherent to post, while the other is sleeping so it can take the afternoon shift.  What does this mean for you?     A random bullet-list post for you to read!   Hooray!

-  You still have a few hours to enter my song contest.   Check out the other entries (in the comments) for inspiration and a good laugh.  Only don’t be drinking or eating when you do.  I am not responsible for buying you a new screen because you spritzed.

-  I’ve decided what the prize for the contest will be.  An awesome jazz CD from this guy and the winner’s favorite kind of chocolate from this place.

- I mean what I say.  You all thought I was joking when I said was getting one of these.

What shall I make first?

It’s on my counter, waiting patiently to turn the contents of my overstuffed baking cabinet into yummy carboloaded goodness.   Does anyone have  recommendations for good bread machine recipes or cookbooks?  Remember, I’ve got at least 7 pounds of flour and 3 pounds of sugar to use up. 

- The oats, however, are gone.  I made the cookies.  They were delicious.  My waistline can attest to that.

- Despite the oatmeal cookies, I’m down another pants size.  We’ll see how long I stay there after the bread machine comes into play.

- The kids love their new trampoline.  They constantly fight over whose turn it is to jump.  Good times.  Good times.

- I plan on kicking the kids off the trampoline so I can use it to counteract the effects of my bread machine madness.

- While I am thrilled that my favorite coffee shop is busy because that means it may survive the latest economic crisis, I really wish the ladies at the next table would SHUT THE HELL UP!

- Thanks to the January thaw, the foot of snow in the yard has melted away.  

- Unfortunately, the foot of snow that was covering the Trashington’s various junk piles also melted.    Yes, the broken skateboard is still there, as is the plastic drawer organizer that took up residence at the side of the house the day they moved in – at least three years ago.   These have been joined by 5 deflated soccer balls, a wheel cover from an old truck, 3 scrunchies, a broken tube of lipstick, and at least 6 different kinds of beverage containers.   Not to mention the heap of holiday decorations that may or may not still be there by next December. (Who am I kidding?  Of course they’ll still be there.)  

- On the upside, the incapacitated SUV that was sitting in the backyard is gone. 

- On the downside, it’s been replaced by the red Buick, which still runs, but gets parked in the back for some odd reason.   Add to this a late-model, pre-owned BMW and a new cargo van, along with a brother-in-law who leaves his prescription receipts for three different kinds of narcotics flapping in the wind where my children can find them, and methinks there’s something shady going on over there.  Is it any wonder we want to put up a privacy fence?

- That’s it for today!   Tune in tomorrow to see who wins the song contest!

Be My Lyrical Gangstah

I have to thank my Scrote Tote partner in crime, Coco from Mommyhood and Life, for the idea for this post.   As I was cracking up over her comments on the Hot Gross Buns post, a tiny seed was planted in one of my two working brain cells.   (The other one is reserved for remembering how to operate the coffee-maker.)

“Self,” I thought, “it’s about time you had a contest on here.  You’re nearing your 200th post and you’ve been remiss in offering your pals free stuff in return for all their support.  Besides, we need to be amused and nothing amuses us more than the witty words of our readers’ comments.  Take Coco’s idea of raunchy kids’ song titles one step further.  Challenge those witty folk to write lyrics.” 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Here’s how to play:

1)  Pick a song with a familiar tune.  

2)  Give it a new swanky title ala Coco’s examples below.  

Jingle Bells    —>  Dangle Balls
Mary Had a Little Lamb  —> Mary Had A Little Rash 

3)  Write new lyrics for your newly monikered masterpiece.

4)  Leave me a comment with the new song title and lyrics.  (For an example of what the hell I’m talking about, go here.)

5) You can also post your masterpiece on your own site, just be sure to leave me a comment with the link so I can count your entry.

Here’s how to win:

1)  Play.

2)  Play before midnight on January 28, 2010.  (Winner will be announced on Friday, January 29th.)

3)  Hope that the random number generator thingamajig picks your numbered entry from the thousands (ha!) that are sure to enter.

Here’s what you’ll win:

*crickets*

……  Ok, so I haven’t gotten that far yet – I’m only operating on one brain cell this week, remember?   But it will be awesome, music-related, and possibly covered in chocolate.  What more could you want in a prize?   So get writing!   Self and I need to be amused!