Rock Video Refugees

And lo, another Halloween has come and gone.

And low is not my blood sugar level, nor that of my children.  They are peacefully sleeping off a major candy hangover, and I?  Well, I am posting photos of the sugar-crazed little monkeys while attempting to refrain from raiding their stash.  So, without further ado, let me present Cenzo the pirate and Cheeks the princess.

In the above photo, you can tell Cenzo is a pirate.   In the photo below, he looks like a refugee from Prince’s Purple Rain Tour back in the 80’s.

Is this really what it looks like when doves cry?

 And, here he is doing his best Keith Richards’ impression:

 

Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!

Now, look at the photo below and imagine him slightly taller with longer hair, wearing a long black leather coat and a pirate belt buckle.

Bret Michaels, eat your heart out.

Got your mind wrapped around that one yet?   Ok, good.  Yeah, that was me.  I thought I looked like a pirate mama.  Munky told me I looked like a refugee from a Poison video.  Munky got a few choice hand gestures tossed in his general direction.  The pirate belt buckle almost got thrown at him, too, but Prince/Keith/Bret and Belle were jumping up and down begging to start our neighborhood trek.

An hour and a half later, we returned with buckets full of loot and sore toes.  Did they think it was worth it?   You be the judge:

Milk and candy before bed. What could be better?

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PS – To my lawn obsessed neighbors:   THIS is what your yard is supposed to look like in autumn.  Cease & desist with the leaf-blowers!  I’m greasing up those rake handles….

Rock, Paper, Scissors…

It seems that kids continue to settle the issue of who gets what by using the tried and true method of “rock, paper, scissors” when “eeny-meeny-miney-moe” is not sufficient.

Cheeks and her little pal M at the bus stop were engaged in a rapid-fire game of RPS while waiting for the bus the other day.   Cenzo, in typical Cenz0-fashion, was running circles around and between them as they played.  Each time they chanted “rock, paper, scissors, shoot”, Cenzo would run in between their out-stretched hands on the “shoot” part.   I didn’t think too much of it at the time; I just watched them play and wished desperately that I had brought my coffee to the bus stop with me.

The bus came; the girls got on;  the other moms and I said our usual goodbyes;  and I turned to see Cenzo already running halfway down the street towards our house.  I took off after him, and when I caught up, I heard him chanting “rock, paper, scissors, SHIT.  rock paper, scissors, SHIT.  rock, paper, scissors, SHIT.”

I am in so.much.trouble.

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Thanks to everyone who commented/e-mailed/spoke to me about my last post.  You all made me laugh, which went a long way in helping me get the heck over myself. I’m not nearly as pissy as I was, but give me time.  I’m sure I’ll get back there again.  After all, Cenzo still isn’t potty-trained and apparently the Trashingtons can  fit more shit into their yard as evidenced by the not one, but two, broken SUVs that have now taken up positions in the side and rear yards, but hey, live and let live, right?  Just pass the wine, please.

Then She Burned Her Lunch and Her Head Exploded

I’m pretty sure that’s what the headline will be (get it?  headline?  head exploded?  I’m so effin’ witty) if things don’t lighten up around here damn quick.   Yes, my friends, you’re in for a rant in bullet format (probably laced with several expletives), so if you don’t want to read it, click away now.  Go on.  Click.  I won’t be mad.  I’m already quite pissy, but I won’t be mad at you.  I love you.

Decided to stay?   Don’t say I didn’t warn you…:

*  I am fucking sick of potty-training.  I give up.  They make adult-size diapers.  Fuck it.

*  I am tired of worrying about how much things cost.

* I am tired of explaining to my kids why we can’t do the things other people do because we don’t have the money/time/aren’t stupid enough to be doing them.

* I am tired of listening to certain people cry poverty and then in the next breath, tell me they are going to Europe for a week’s vacation or some other such nonsense.

* I am tired of paying a babysitter so I can volunteer with my daughter’s Brownie troop.  Between meetings, trainings, and events with the girls, I’ll be laying out close to $400 this year to volunteer.  But I won’t stop volunteering because it’s important to Cheeks and to me.

* I am sick of every organization asking for money.  I give what I can, but quit trying to guilt me into giving more.  Piss me off and you won’t get anything.

* I am tired of having worse acne now than I did in high school.   I hate you perimenopause.

* I am tired of trying to fit in time to exercise and feeling  like a loser when I don’t.  

* I am tired of feeling like the things I once enjoyed are now just one more chore to check off my list.

*  I am sick of the incessant whine of leaf-blowers. Every damn day someone in the neighborhood is out there clearing leaves.   They’re leaves, not nuclear waste.  If there are a few on your lawn, who the fuck cares?  Here’s an idea – pick up a rake!!    Because if you don’t, I just might be shoving one up your ass. 

*  I’m thoroughly disgusted with living next door to the Trashingtons.  Could you have any more shit in your yard?   How’s about picking up the broken skateboard that’s been lying there for over a year?  I know you have to move it to mow the lawn so why not throw it the fuck away? 

* I’m tired of doing things with people with whom I’m obligated to be, instead of with people with whom I want to be.

* I’m really tired of changing my schedule to accommodate those obligatory events because of this, that, or the other thing.  Piss off. 

 

Gah, I know these are petty,  but this is my space and if I want to bitch, I’m going to bitch.   (Just try to stop me – I dare ya.)  Believe me, I know how blessed I am, and I thank God everyday for those blessings, so don’t think I’m not grateful.   I’m just having a really cranky week.    And yes, I did burn my lunch.   Cenzo is finishing this post for me because I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my head.   Bah.

 

Sinkwater Chili

Children are sponges – they learn very rapidly and sometimes they learn what you don’t want them to learn.   They’re also great teachers.  Here is just a sampling of what my darling children have taught me over the past several weeks:

* Physics Lesson #1:  A 3 foot tall, 32 pound preschooler can successfully wrestle not one, but two, 20 lb closet doors right off their tracks and somehow escape getting beaned on the noggin in the process.

*  Physics Lesson #2:   Apple-picking is not for short people.   Even if said short person is strong enough to lift the 32 lb preschooler over her head to reach apples further up in the tree, she’s still too fucking short.

* Language Development:  Preschoolers swear in context, and sometimes in tandem, with the driver of whatever vehicle they happens to be in.   Case in point:   Upon narrowly escaping a sideswipe collision perpetrated by a cell-phone yakking idiot in an SUV, Cenzo cheerily asked:  “Is this a G*d dammit moment, Mommy?”   Answering his own question, he said  ” I think it is.  G*d dammit!”

 *  Math:   Six hours of babysitting = $42.   It also equals 48 hours of bratty behavior as punishment for Mommy and Daddy going out and having a good time without the children.

* Sex Education:    My single friends have decided to remain single, or at least celibate, after witnessing said children in their “punish Mommy & Daddy” mode.  

* Culinary Arts Lesson #1:   Apple crisp is apple pie without the crust.  Call it what you want, they’re still only going to eat the ice cream.

* Culinary Arts Lesson #2:   Chili tastes so much better with 6 to 8 ounces of  dirty sink water added to it.

Yup, my kids are great teachers.  Mostly they’ve taught me that:

a)  I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing;  and,

b)  no matter how hard I try, I’ll never catch up.

 Good thing they’re so freakin’ cute.

 

Stupid Simple Spinach Soup

It’s a cold, rainy day here today, so I’m in the mood for something warm.  Since hot toddies aren’t exactly dinner fare for the kids, I’m going to have to resort to soup.  A friend gave me this excellent recipe that my kids actually like, so I thought I’d share it with you.

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Stupid Simple Spinach Soup
 
1 Tbsp butter
1 yellow onion, chopped
1 box frozen spinach
2 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup milk
6 oz cheese (any kind you want)
 
 
In large saucepan, saute onion in butter for 3 minutes.   Add frozen spinach and broth.  Bring to a boil and simmer for 3 minutes.   Add milk and cheese.  Stir until cheese is melted.
 
Clean-up hint:  Transfer finished soup into large serving dish ASAP.  Once soup is out of the saucepan, fill saucepan with hot water and dish detergent.  This will keep the cheese mixture from sticking to the pot and make clean-up go much easier.  Trust me; I learned the hard way . 

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See?   Stupidly simple.  Enjoy!