An Open Letter to My Alma Mater

Dear Alma Mater,

My financial obligation to you ended 20 years ago.   I sincerely appreciate the education I received at your fine institution and some of the friends I made while attending have become like family.  (Although, if I think about it, some of the classes I took there bordered on the absurd and had absolutely no bearing on the real world.  But I digress.)

What I do NOT appreciate are the heavy-handed tactics you’ve begun to employ in pursuit of my money for the Alumni Fund.  The phone calls every other evening, usually when I’m trying to put my children to bed; the letters that are permeated with statements designed to make one feel like a total asshole if they don’t contribute; the forms asking me to update my current records so former classmates can find me.

I have not given a dime to the Alumni Fund since I graduated and I don’t plan to start now.  The $20 I might be able to send won’t cover the cost of a text book or three days worth of a meal plan.  It might cover the parking violation fines the campus police are so eager to dole out every chance they get, though.   However, I know that if I even give that much, you will step up your harrassment to squeeze more out of me.

I’m writing to tell you now that you might as well stop wasting your time.

The phone calls?  They go unanswered and will continue to do so.

The guilt letters?  My kids take great delight in putting those through the shredder.

The update forms?  *I* take great delight in putting those through the shredder.  The classmates that are like family are the only ones who need to know where I am.  I’m quite certain the others don’t give a shit, much less even remember my name.

I’ve not attended one reunion, nor do I plan to.  Ever.

Stop wasting time, money, and trees on trying to reach me.  The only way you’re going to get any more money out of me is if one of my kids decides to attend.  Given the fact that I live in an area with over 100 colleges available within driving distance, I sincerely doubt they’ll be coming to your fine institution.

In other words, leave me the hell alone.

Sincerely,

Mumma Boo

24 Down, 4 To Go

Hey kids!   What time is it?

(I don’t know!  What time is it, Mumma Boo?)

It’s time for another Mumma Boo book review post.  Aren’t you excited?

Well – aren’t you?

Since I last posted one of these, I’ve checked off another 4 books on my quasi-official to read list.  I just might make it by 2023.  I also found time for a few fun books, some of which I really liked, and some which I found to be “meh”.   But, I was able to find quiet time to read (a rare commodity these days), so it was worth it.

Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell - An intriguing novel that weaves together stories of 7 different people, from several different eras.  These characters may or may not be reincarnations of one soul, but the subtext of the novel shows how history is doomed to repeat itself, tracing the human condition across the centuries.  It was a bit too jumpy for my taste, and long-winded in several sections.  A word of warning – don’t put it down and come back to it days later – you’ll need notes to remember it all.  Although disjointed, the novel ultimately ties itself together.  It definitely appealed to the diarist in me -  one story is passed down through letters and another through an actual diary, still another through film, and interviews.

Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie – I made it through the first couple of chapters and then gave up.  The disjointed writing style, the leapfrogging from past to present, and the sheer number of characters to track made it impossible for me to like this book.   I need a book with a strong narrative and through-line; needing a score sheet to keep track of characters and time periods makes me nutty.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt - A very interesting novel; it explores the phenomenon of mob mentality, along with guilt, justification of one’s actions, and moral ambiguity.  Not exactly a beach read (it’s over 500 pages), but I found it worth the time I invested.

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad – Holy hell, how did this one end up on the Top 100 list?  I gave up after the first two chapters.

The Missing by Shiloh Walker – An erotic paranormal thriller, with emphasis on the erotic.  I found myself skipping ahead through most of the sex scenes because they were so repetitive.  The underlying mystery was good, though.

The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson – remember how much I enjoyed Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon?  How I said it was in my all-time Top 5?   Well, The Gargoyle is definitely in my Top 10.  This book had me enthralled from start to finish.  I can’t remember if one of you recommended it to me, or if it was something I saw while browsing in our now defunct Borders, but however it ended up on my list, I’m grateful.  Superbly written, meticulously researched, it’s above all a story about love surviving the ages.  It takes a lot to move me to great emotion while I read, but I actually wept at one point.  This is not to say it’s a sad book; it ultimately isn’t, but the fact that it moved me as much as it did surprises me.  (I like to think I’m a jaded old fart.)

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak - I liked this one, but wasn’t bowled over by it.  Set in World War II Germany and narrated by Death, well, you can pretty much infer that it wasn’t a fluff read. It explored survival on all levels – physical, mental, emotional, and how the goodness of humanity could still be found in the darkest moments of history.

And, (drum roll, please) I finally finished A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson!  This one really appealed to the science nerd in me.  It not only describes the major scientific findings of the last 1000 years, but details the lives of the people who made these breakthroughs.  The back-stabbing, intrigue, and egos involved in these discoveries are a reality-show producer’s dream.

So, since I’m so close to the finish line for this self-imposed literary improvement project, I may just plow through the last 4 on the quasi-official list, which, if you’ve been keeping track, are the following:

The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

Possession – AS Byatt

I’m going to leave it up to you, kids.  Which one should I tackle next?   Vote in the comments, please. The title that gets the most votes is my next bed-time read.  Ready?   GO!

Just Say No

The US Senate will vote on the PIPA internet censorship bill on Tuesday, January 24, 2012.  Even though it is a US law, its effects will be felt the world over.  PIPA is the Senate version of the House’s SOPA bill.

While I agree that on-line piracy and copyright infringement by foreign websites is a problem and damaging to the economy, I don’t think censoring the Internet as a whole is the way to stop it.  You may see that some of your favorite sites are dark today - they’re protesting the bill, too.  Although I’m fairly certain my little speck of real estate on the World Wide Web may not be missed by anyone but me, if a law like PIPA or SOPA were to pass, the information your kid downloads from on-line encyclopedias for a school report, heck even those photos you pass around on Facebook, could get you fined and maybe jail time.  Do it once, and your whole site is banned for life.  A little extreme, don’t you think?

For more information, visit Stop American Censorship and http://sopastrike.com/.

Editor’s Note:  Additional information, presenting both sides of the story, can be found at the following links.  A big thank you to my co-Board member at Band Back Together, Dana Lu, for bringing these to my attention:

Washington Post article:   http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/on-small-business/as-support-for-sopa-wanes-copyright-issues-persist/2012/01/17/gIQAz9yo7P_story.html?tid=pm_business_pop

PC World article: http://www.pcworld.com/article/248298/sopa_and_pipa_just_the_facts.html

CNET article: http://news.cnet.com/8301-31921_3-57329001-281/how-sopa-would-affect-you-faq/

 

Congress, I urge you to understand the repercussions of the bills you’re voting upon, but maybe that’s just too much to ask.

Resolution Reversal

In 2009 and 2010, I made some resolutions.  I skipped resolutions entirely in 2011, I think.  (If I did make some, I can’t find the link, and I’m pretty sure I bombed miserably with them, so what’s the point of searching?)

In both years, (and probably last year, too), I resolved to:

1) Yell less;

2) Write more;

3) Eat less chocolate;

4) Drink more wine.

Things, *coughs*, didn’t work out that way.  If anything, I:

1) Yelled more, louder, and probably earned myself a reputation in the neighborhood as the “other screaming banshee”.  (The first being Mrs. Trashington next door.  Hey, maybe the neighbors thought it was her!  Let’s hope so.)

2) Wrote less last year than in previous years;

3) Ate my weight in Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups between Halloween and today;

4) Stopped drinking wine, started drinking beer, then stopped that because I’d rather eat my calories than drink them.

It hit me last night that I’ve been doing this all wrong.

I need to apply some reverse psychology to my resolutions.  Apparently, in order for me to have any degree of success, I have to go in the completely opposite direction.

If I fail at what I’ve said I’ll do, then I’ll succeed at what I really should be doing.  Right?

(Just go with it.  Please.  Suspension of disbelief – like all the time travel theories in the Back to the Future films.)

Therefore, in 2012, I hereby resolve to:

1) Yell like a crazed lunatic as often as possible for any minor transgression my children might make;

2) Stop writing altogether; (failed already!  WOOT!)

3) Eat chocolate 5 times a day;

4) Buy my favorite wines and let them live untouched in my fridge.

By the same reverse reasoning, I should also resolve to:

1) Do fewer activities with my children;

2) Gain 50 pounds;

3) Use the fitness equipment in the basement as clothing racks;

4) Let my craft supplies gather dust; and

5) Never take a family vacation.

2012 should be a banner year.  Or not.  I think. (Marty? Doc? A little help here?)

Java, Java, Java, Java, Java, Java

We were supposed to have two softball games this past weekend.  Instead we were treated to over 10 inches of snow, fallen tree limbs, downed power lines, and days without electricity.

In my house, no electricity = no Internet.   OH THE HORROR!!!

Even worse than having no Interwebs to let us know what the hell was going on out there, we had no coffee.

It is not pretty around here without coffee in the morning.  Emergency caffeine provisions were needed.  STAT.

As soon as he got the driveway cleared, Munky hopped in the car and took off for the nearest Dunkin Donuts.  It  had no power.  On to the next one.  It had no power either.

Neither did the next one or the next or the next. He was two towns away before he gave up and drove home.

While slaloming around fallen tree limbs and downed power lines, he had an epiphany.

The car has an a/c adaptor.   He could plug the coffee maker into the car.

Giddy with hope, he ran into the house, grabbing supplies as he went.   Extension cord, coffee grinder, coffee, scoop, filters, coffee-maker.

In my java-deficient state, I only half-grasped what he was doing, and followed him out to the garage.

There I saw the car, parked half in and half out of the garage, an electrical cord snaking from it to the top of the garbage cans.

And then I heard it.

The dulcet tones of the coffee grinder.  Grinding coffee.

Munky carefully spooned the grounds into a filter, and set the maker to brew.

I ran to capture the magical moment on film.

Yes, we were THAT desperate for coffee.

Alas, it was not to be.

Mr. Coffee was not getting good vibrations from our Pontiac Vibe.

Mr. Coffee was in a MOOD because we retired him in favor of a Keurig machine two years ago.

Mr. Coffee was an asshat.

Our hopes dashed, we put everything away and Munky drove off again in search of caffeine we wouldn’t have to snort.

He found it at the convenience store a mile away.

In a Keurig machine.

Kiss my half-n-half, Mr. Coffee.